It should be a natural thing knowing that someone trusts you. I mean humans inherently must trust each other for us to function in society. Think about, if no one trusted anyone we wouldn't be able to walk outside our house without the fear of our neighbor or even the stranger walking down the street stabbing you (yes i know a bit random and extreme but true). But when someone told me i "really trust you a lot" changed the meaning of the word trust at least for me.
I guess there's always the inherent bond of trust we carry for our families (which includes friends that are considered family) which is a natural "we really trust them a lot" type deal but never have I heard this from outside my family.
What made me really think about this? What caused such a response to even place a weight on me? I'm not sure but I do know that I feel a bit freaked out.
I know that before I trusted easily and that I believed the same trust would be given to me but after those years I spent at that church made me wary of giving my trust fully and accepting the fact that others outside my family trusted me. I know this isn't the only reason but as of now this is the only thing I can pinpoint it to.
What worries me even more though is I think through this I'm realizing I have commitment issues because I can't accept that people trust me that much. I try to detach myself as much as I can from those outside my "inner circle" so that I won't get hurt again. I know that I should get over it, forgive them, grow from the experience but how do you do that? I know it's the "Christian" thing to do, but how can I do it when I'm doubting Christianity. Not saying that I don't believe in God, John 3:16's message, and what not but I guess I'm doubting humanity and what the hypocrisy within the church.
I realized a lot recently about myself, I don't know if it's the extra hormones that are raging in my body or if it's just a time for "self realization" or even a combination of both but what I do know is, I know a lot less about myself than I thought I did.
Going through my "last year" in college (if I don't decide to double or minor that is) is making me look at things differently. I have to try to be more mature about my decisions now, yes I know I'm only 20 and that I should be having fun but how do i do that when I have to live an adult life soon?
blargh so many questions so many unfinished thoughts and dreams. I know this would be easier if I trusted people again or as the church would say I completely placed my trust in God and in Him alone but I think I'm just exhausted now, physically, emotionally, mentally, even spiritually... oh well... I know there's one thing I can trust in though... human fallyacy...
pessimistic? maybe but for now that's the only truth I know.
You know it never really bothered me being single. For me being single was fun and an adventurous thing in it of itself. Getting to hang out with who I want and flirt with who I want without feeling guilty about it. I actually felt bad about the people who were tied down especially when they kept commenting how "hot" our neighbors were or how "cute" this guy was. Why? Because ultimately they were tied down and couldn't do anything more than that. But it seems that my entire view on this has recently been changing especially since I moved in with my roommates. Yea, yea, yea, I can totally see you guys rolling your eyes at me but what am I supposed to do about the way I feel? Sure I had my "ideal (good and romantic) drama filled summer" as some people can call it (no I will not elaborate on this very public blog... if you want to know ask me yourself) but there is no escaping this thing called reality (which I was thrown into as soon as I took my first step onto American soil).
So let me describe my situation, ironically you can call my situation a couple sandwich. Why? Because I am the only single person stuck between a set of two couples (literally-my room is right smack dab in the middle). I thought it wouldn't bother me but I now realize IT BOTHERS ME! Oh yes, I finally found something that irks me more quickly than incorrect grammar use by a fob or even girls who order food and take one bite before declaring that they're full and throwing it away.
But what can I do? It's not like I can escape my situation because one I signed a one year lease and two because I'm just a nice person like that and won't/can't say no bfs in the house. (I mean what kind of friend would I be? I mean I understand that everyone has personal needs, I mean we are as Mraz croons..."only human".)
So what can I do about this situation? I honestly don't know. I feel like the fifth wheel as of now so I decided to runaway tonight but I know all my ministry involved friends are buys with ministry stuff tonight and so I FB stalked (yes I FB stalked I know but I was desperate) and texted people with a pity message and even bothered people I knew would be free but ironically NO ONE WAS AVAILABLE. In my time of need there was no one (not because their bad friends but people who were available couldn't help because either they had class (which you should never ditch) or had the swine flu... yea... it was one of those there's no way I can help because I'm in bed dying type situations, so yea...lol).
Now you're probably wondering how am I handling the situation right now, I ran away to Tea N More, yes I came to the boba place to wait for my friend who's in class and hopefully on her way soon.
So although I found a temporary solution for the moment I kind of don't want to go home tonight (Ugh all the hormones everywhere... I don't know if I can deal with it y'know?).
But what am I supposed to do for a long time solution? I guess I can find a beau of mine, my own...(okay I know but I had to do it... if you didn't get it read Tolkien) that would probably solve the problem, it'll just mean my house will be full of hormone driven "young adults"; however (yes I did the MK thing), there's problems with this solution. First where am I supposed to find a guy?! (NO bringing a boy from Korea is not an option people so don't even think it... Jennifer I know you were thinking that so shush). And once I find a guy how am I supposed to get over my whole "imma automatically going put the guy in my "friend" zone" thing? (If you're wondering why I put guys automatically in my friend zone that's a whole other story which I do't have time to explain right now so I will in a later post). But ultimately if I do find a guy it's not like imma bring him home with me to meet my friends right away... (that's another story another post...). Garsh, I guess I'm making this more complicated than it is but that's why I'm a girl what can you do about it y'know?
What's another solution? Get noise canceling earphones (thanks rnc) but the only problem is I can't live with just the earphones on ALL the time... I'll become one of those emo/goth/loner looking kids. Y'know the ones who are antisocial because they don't know what to do in a group of people... Okay I know that was a bad stereotype but that's the only thing I can think of right now... =p. Iono, just the idea of wearing headphones all the time at home is disconcerting. I mean you're supposed to come home to relax and get away from it and I honestly don't want to be wearing headphones at home when I can just unplug my laptop and have the music blaring from that or from the external speakers...
Between the two solutions, yes the second one sounds more sensible but the only problem right now is I'm broke as a joke and can't afford it thus I'm stuck pondering my situation.
Maybe I should take this time to test out my cousin's theory. According to him there is a "sure fire" way to get any guy you want. But he said that's another talk for another time so I didn't get that far with him regarding this topic and honestly it sound kinda sketch but what can I do y'know? I mean honestly how interesting would it be to document his "method" if anything I think it would be funny... puhahahaha... THAT'S IT!!! I GOT IT!!
I'm going to do a documentation of one of the better solutions people can provide me. I'll do a thorough documentation so people get your thinking caps on and get cranking. Let me know people!!! (yes I know I'm probably talking to the only 3 people who read this... but still three more brains to help me out...) LEt's get UBER creative!!! puahahahahahaha~
So I totally veg'd AND pigged out today and in this process my creative juices started flowing.
So I decided I'm going to take up the quill again and try my hand at this thing called story telling. No i'm not posting it up until it's complete but just thought you guys should know.
and yes i understand it has been awhile since i've posted anything here but let's just say a lot has happened and now i'm not me but i am me... hahaha
